My ex-partner almost managed to ruin my life and career with a bogus report of rape. Her act was revenge against me for leaving a toxic relationship. However, her story did not hold together at trial and the rape charge was dismissed due to internal inconsistencies on 9 October 2023. The follow up will be a criminal proceeding against her on the grounds of false report and claims for damages.
I am sad and disappointed that a relationship that lasted a couple of years ended like this. I have always strived for amicable separation and maintaining good connection after the relationship. I was prepared to do so also this time. Unfortunately, my former partner chose a different path.
The torment caused by a false allegation lasted two and a half years. When the newspapers published my name in connection with the case in the winter of 2023, constant attacks against me and my employer began. The newspapers had received an anonymous tip about the case and decided, exceptionally, to publish my name, although this is not usually done when the process is ongoing. Anonymous letters and threats continued to be made against me and my employer repeatedly, and the allegations were spread to my networks in Finland and abroad.
Social media courts and false accusations
harm everyone
The presumption of innocence flew out the window after the sorry decision by the newspapers. Immediately the social media courts were ready to hand out their infallible rulings. In today's social media climate, the way things are going, a mere allegation is taken as a sign of guilt. Then all kinds of yelling, slander and bigotry is considered ok by many people.
After the newspaper stories, a sordid collection of old opponents became active in pronouncing their verdicts. People, with whom I have sometimes disagreed in online discussions or had to draw a line because of their behavior, crawled from their hiding places to attack me. Many saw this as an opportunity to get back at me for the disagreement or rejection they had experienced.
In today's #metoo world, where “women's stories must always be believed”, there is little room to defend oneself against lies. Many usually clever social commentators repeat the argument that "no one would make up an accusation of sexual offence". I still think #metoo is a necessary movement for our sexual culture and has been fruitful, but it cannot be blind.
Sexual offences are still a big problem and difficult to investigate. Most crimes go unreported because the threshold for doing so is high. False allegations do nothing to help solve this problem. Even if they are few in number compared to real cases, they still exist.
Several reasons for false accusations have been identified in studies: communication failures, disguising infidelity, social pressure, attention-seeking, remorse for one’s own actions, blackmail, revenge, profiteering, weapon in a dispute or quarrel, getting the person out of the way, substance abuse, confusion, trauma triggers and certain mental health problems that include delusional anger or paranoia. A couple of these fit my case too.
If anyone still thinks that "no one would lie about a sexual offence", it is worth looking at my case and the following (links in Finnish, sorry):
A man was convicted of rape, the woman confessed false reporting after 7 years
A woman tried to blackmail a man with a false rape accusation
A drunken quarrel led to a false rape accusation
Police say around 1 in 10 rape reports are false (2019)
Luckily for me, I wasn't the only one, who could challenge the false allegation. A mutual friend of mine and my ex-partner, Tiina Vilponen, was observing our relationship from a close distance. She was my former partner's confidante in life's challenges. Tiina was a witness in court and she was able to give an account of how events actually unfolded.
False allegations of sexual offences are very damaging to their targets. The stigma can follow for a long time, even if the charges are dismissed or the conviction overturned. Moreover, suspicion can linger in the minds of many regardless of the dismissal of charges. Malicious people will always take the opportunity to smear, defame or profit.
In addition to their targets, false allegations also harm victims of real sexual crimes and complicate support efforts and official processes. The work against sexual crimes is already difficult and complex, and most victims of real crimes do not get the help or justice they need.
Every false allegation causes damage and takes up much of the resources needed to investigate real crimes. I myself have done a lot of work on sexual rights, prevention of sexual offences, supporting victims, and promoting a culture of consent. Because of the false accusation against me, all this work has been put on hold, and it will be more difficult again in the future.
The claim about photographing
without permission
The accusation of taking a photo without permission was upheld in court, although it was part of the same false report as the dismissed rape charge. The filming incident involved taking a picture of my sleeping partner. The picture did not involve a sexual situation, neither did it show my ex-partners face, breasts or genitals. I wanted to take a beautiful picture of the person who was dear to me at the time, while she was sleeping.
Quite a many people have pictures on their phone or in their home album of their close ones while sleeping or in other situations, when they have not noticed the picture been taken. The only thing that made this case a crime was that my ex-partner decided to blame me for it after the split-up.
One has to be very careful when it comes to taking photos, as the Finnish law regarding taking photos is very vague (RL24:6). According to it, any situation of taking photos in private premises constitutes as unlawful, if there is no explicit permission. Any person shown in the photos could claim at any time that there was no permission, and they would not need any specific evidence to support their claim.
For example, snapping a picture at a family dinner without prior warning is unlawful, according to law. The persons in the photo need not be identifiable and there need not be any sensitive content in the picture. Nor does the intention or good will of the photographer count for anything under the law.
I asked my lawyer how one could protect oneself against this in one's private life, and his answer was 'do not photograph anything'. In everyday filming situations, the legal protection of the photographer is non-existent if there is a dispute.
Consent issues
I am a specialist of sexual ethics, and I have a PhD on the subject. One of my main areas of expertise in ethics is consent and its assessment, and I have given numerous lectures and workshops about it to sexologists, therapists, students and audiences in sex-positive events. I am also an international trainer and consultant in these matters.
In my own life as a kinkster, I take consent very seriously. In my relationships, I have adopted the following practices for enabling and negotiating enthusiastic consent:
- Openly discussing mutual desires and boundaries from the beginning of the relationship.
- Talking about sex and sessions together beforehand, with the aim of building enthusiastic consent and getting excited about things to do together.
- Sex and sessions should be done in a spirit of openness and concern for the well-being of the partner(s).
- A variety of safety signals, such as safety words and signs (e.g. traffic lights and tapping out), are always in place during sex and sessions.
- There should always be enough time after sex and sessions for aftercare, connection, and feedback, if needed.
- The partner(s)' concerns, criticisms, suggestions and wishes are always taken seriously and with goodwill.
- In the BDSM context, session content and the framework of ongoing consent is negotiated - also in writing through messages or discussion tools (such as the Kinx-list), if necessary or desired.
- More demanding BDSM sessions are always negotiated in advance, including a risk assessment and affirming the wishes and limits of the partner(s).
Photographing my sleeping partner was also based on the ongoing consent framework within our relationship, which was discussed beforehand. The problem at the trial was that the authorities did not understand the different consent practices, but looked at it in a simple-minded way: was consent asked and given at that particular moment? They were not familiar with the concepts of ongoing consent, prior negotiation or consent frameworks.
Indeed, the consent practices routinely used by
kinky people may prove difficult in a legal scrutiny if one of the parties to a
BDSM session later wants to argue that there was no sufficient consent. The
mere presumption of good will and mutual understanding on the part of all
parties will not save one from allegations if a participant later denies
consent because of disappointment, remorse, mental breakdown or the activation
of old traumas, for example.
An attempt to destroy my life
The false allegation of sexual offence is a cluster munition missile capable of wreaking terrible havoc. The rape accusation hit the things that matter most to me: my work for sexual rights, my sex-positive activism, and my personal life as a kinkster. The accusation almost succeeded in destroying my whole life: I went to the bottom several times because it, and suicide was not very far.
The mere printing of the allegation in the press based on an anonymous tip-off caused tens of thousands of euros in losses to me and my employer, and the damage to my reputation and career cannot even be fully assessed or anticipated. For some, the suspicions will linger indefinitely, even though the charges were dismissed.
Nevertheless, now is the time to move on and rebuild what has already been destroyed by the false allegation. I will not stop working for sexual justice. I will not stop working as a sexologist. I will not stop working to prevent sexual crimes and help victims. I will not stop promoting a culture of consent. I will not stop living my life as a sex-positive queer and kinky person.
And to those who are still trying to defeat me, I say not today - you won't succeed!
